Thailand Journal Entry #6

My dream last night: I looked down at my left leg to see a huge swollen tick on my left thigh. I reached down and pulled it out. As soon as I did, blood began squirting out of the hole that it left. I slapped my hands over the hole, trying desperately to stop the bleeding. I remember thinking to myself that maybe the tick had been latched onto my femoral artery. (I don't even know if that's possible.) Darrick the tan veterinarian was there and I kept trying to reassure him that I was fine while grabbing madly for gauze to staunch the bleeding.

This morning I woke up at 5 a.m. to Rocco and a bunch of other dogs having a howling match. I went downstairs and took a cold shower, which felt amazing. I took .50 mg of Xanax with my morning meds and felt really calm and happy at breakfast and on our way to the corn fields in the back of a truck. We saw a guy riding a working elephant along the road.

We chopped and bundled corn stalks all morning to feed the elephants. People from the ENP do it every day. We were required to wear long shirts and pants and work gloves so our limbs didn't get cut up. 20 minutes into it I was furious at myself for feeling like I was going to vomit. I did as much work as I could without getting too close to vomiting or fainting. I felt like the Thai workers were laughing at my weakness. (Wow - I sound like a future supervillain.) Then we carried the bundles in - Jessica never stopped going and I couldn't let her be the hardest worker (which is a dumb compulsion on my part and also fruitless because she is seriously a tank) so I kept going, too. I pretty much felt like a failure, then Brooklyn was mean to me for no reason when I got back. This was why I wanted to do this project - so that I could be with animals, not people. I miss my job. Now we're waiting for the truck and I'm restless. Somehow my Xanax has worn off already and I'm due for my second Adderall soon - I can't sit in that little canopy with all of the girls. That's the downside of these group-organized things. I want to come back during my winter semester to volunteer with the dogs. I'm going to mention it to Darrick if I see him today. I need my alone time. I need to be able to choose who I spend time with. I know that this always happens to me on group trips and there's a reason for that - space and independence are important to me. And yes, I do feel like a whiny bitch being here in Chiang Mai with impoverished hill tribe people and animals who've been abused and hit by cars and malnourished. Probably that's why I care so much about figuring out how to not let trivialities affect me.

Rice: "cow"

Corn: "cow pode"

Artemis

I named the dog that sleeps in one of our porch chairs Artemis, after the Greek goddess of the moon and the hunt. While we were name-storming, I was going through mythological figures and I got to tell Ariana the stories of Pan & Syrinx and Isis & Osiris, which I love telling. It made me feel good. I was totally comfy in my long shirt and pants right up until we started working - I soaked through every side of everything. 

I made small-talk with a girl at breakfast who was wearing a Zildjan hat - she used to be a percussionist and we bonded briefly over marching band. 

We planted banana trees this afternoon. I'm going to chill before elephant-bath-time. I named the brown two-faced cat Gatsby, although now I'm thinking about changing it to "Catsby." The little calico is Alice. 

Walked to the dogs area but was too nervous to approach anyone human. Grace fail.